RAMBLING

Why is this so hard? I'm so fucking angry at him. I don't hate him, I don't trust him, I can't stand to look at him because of all the pain he has caused for all of us, I want him to leave, but I can't imagine everyday without him. I still love him, but I don't think I will ever be in love with him again.

He's so pitiful looking I want to just smack him. THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!! It kills me to watch him with the kids. He's trying to be the father he has never been. Like 6 days can replace their lifetime. He's going for an assesment, he says, later this morning. Why couldn't you have done that 10 years ago?

Last night I'm in my bedroom trying to get ready for a meeting at work, and he comes down the hallway crying. "What's wrong now?" I ask, I'm sure he can hear the detest in my voice. I want him to hurt, I want him to feel the pain like I have. He says "I asked Nathan why he's been so good lately." He's standing there with these flipping tears that make me want to go punch him right in the face. "Well, what did he say?" I force myself to ask. "He said " because you are." I didn't think it was that noticable. I didn't think that my f*cked upness had that much effect on them." I looked at him like he was a moron. I thought right at that very moment I was gonna loose it. I couldn't say anything, cause my head was spinning. I wanted to jump of the edge of the bed and just bang his head against the wall. I wanted to start screaming " I've been telling you all this time that everything you do and say has a direct impact on them. You have f*cked everything up" but I didn't I just looked at him. I couldn't say anything, I couldn't move. I just sat there looking at him with a blank expression.
He stops his tears and says that he is going to get smokes. I go about getting ready to leave.

There are times for a split second that I think maybe I should wait and see if he does go through treatment. What if he's telling the truth this time? Then I get pissed off at myself for having doubts about what I'm doing. I know in my heart that this is what I should do.

I guess I'm just scared at what the future holds for me and the kids. I had to step down from my supervisor position. I received our new schedule on Monday. We are now working four 11hr days a week. Looking at the schedule I work 3 days in a row every other week, but I never have 3 days in a row off. The schedule that I've been working the last 6 years has been 12 hr shifts... 3 days one week, 4 days the next. 2 on 2 off 3 on 2 off 2 on 3 off 2 on. I work nights, so the first day off is half wasted sleeping. With this new schedule the I would have to work 3 on 2 off 2 on 1 off 2 on 2 off 3 on 2 off etc... This would never leave time for my kids. I asked on of the other sups if he would consider trading shifts so that I could work the 9 am to 8 pm shift. He considered it but he's having some health issues due to not sleeping well and can't go back to nights. He apologized for not trading, and I told him no apologies needed. I understand. I just wanted to exhaust all my options before stepping down. I don't really want to do that, but I have to for my kids.... So at least I'll be on the same rotation and schedule that I've been on forever. I hope that the sup postition in the TC side opens soon. I know that will be a day or mostly day shift. The manager in that dept. is so cool, I just love her. She assured me that it should be approved in about the next 6-8 months and that I'm her first choice. I hope everything works out. I can't help but be angry at jerk for this too. I would never have had to step down if he would have just opened his eyes and taken care of his problem years ago. I mean for christ sake, I'm the only one who's been working for the last 7 years. He worked here and there, but nothing reliable. I was never suprised when he came home and said that he lost his job. When the 2 oldest where just 2 or 3 he had a great job making good money. I had just started my career in the field making piss money and he was fired. We went from about 45k at his job to the lowly 6.50 hr I was making. From there it went down hill. He'd get a job and hold it for a couple of months and then he would get "let go". I have been the primary bread winner since. He hasn't had any employment for the last 3 yrs and never seemed to want to go back to work. He didn't do anything around the house either. I was standing in the backyard ( if that's what you could call in) tonight waiting for the dog to do her business and I burst into tears... It looks like I live in the Sanford & Son house. He's always got all these great ideas.... but they never go anywhere. I have more crap piled up in the back, and the yard has been torn up because he and Joe were going to put in a tie wall to level the top half of the yard. Yep you guessed it. the ties are laying around in the yard and a big trench is dug, the dried out rolls of lawn sitting all over.... I'm so ashamed of it all. This is just the back yard. Oh yeah forgot to mention the fucking horseshoe pitts....The busted out screen door on the basement. The kitchen light that is hanging out of the ceiling because he was going to put in florescent lighting. He took the fixture out about.......8 years ago, and just hasn't gotten around to completing the job. I have all sorts of little projects that he's started but never finishes.....

okay enough bitching.... I just have to remember that it can always be worse. At least I still have a roof over my and the children's head. THANK YOU!!!!

I have a my space account that I use to chat with co-workers and friends... I've used it for awhile. I also have a blog spot on there that I have used once in awhile for posting stupid things...funny things, things of no real importance. I couldn't remember my log on for here, so I jotted down my feelings and thought that I posted it under "diary" for only me to have the access to read it. Apparently that was not the case. I must of posted it under the friends setting. Amazingly enough more people read that entry alone than have ever read my blog there ever... Yet not one person mentioned a word to me. Now the only people that I have on my "friends" list are family members and co-workers... Not one person asked if I was doing ok...how things were going...etc. So being the bitch that I am I decided to post another entry (as follows)

I find it incredible how curious people are. My blog has been viewed more times this week alone than it has in the past 6-7 months. One post that was supposed to be published as a diary entry and must have been posted as friends only caused that much buzzzzzz. Well the least you all could have done was say "hey whats up.... Hey are ya doing alright, I read your blog etc......... What a bunch of voyeurs people really are. There haven't been 10 people who have said boo, yet at least 27 were interested enough in my misery to check it out!!!!
I wonder if there will be that many people who read this since it doesn't talk about anything that's personal, miserable, depressing etc.........

Let the count begin.

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not even 2 mins after posting it.....2 more hits....
My bet is that there won't be that many hits... The first couple of people won't find it interesting enough to email the others to check it out!!!!!

Whine & Bitch

So many thought just racing around. I'm so flipping angry I'm seeing red.

When does it get to be my turn? When does someone get to take care of me, to comfort me and hold my hand. I've had to be the strong one forever. I'm always there for everyone. Have a problem...Nancy will help. Need to talk call Nancy...Feel like crying...lean on me.

Guess what....Nancy isn't so strong. I've been everyone's rock. And now I feel like I'm standing alone.

Poor Jerk....His world is crumbling and he's feeling the pressure???? What the hell have I been dealing with for the last 10 yrs? I and the kids have had to suffer for ALL of his stupid decisions. I've been the one who's paid for his mistakes. I'm so lonely...but it's really nothing new. I've been lonely for a long time. But poor jerk gets to go "HELP" himself and I'm stuck here to deal with 4 kids who haven't a clue as to what's going on... Really. They have no idea what their dad has been doing for years. WHY? Cause mom makes everything better. When he finally moves out...I'm sure they will think deep inside that it's my fault... Just one more thing I'm gonna pay for because of his stupid ass choices.

I'm not perfect by any means, but DAMN. Somebody please...I need the re-assurance and the "atta girl" just like everyone else.... Nobody calling me to see how I'm holding up... Nobody taking me out to get away for a little bit.... NOPE!!! not one person....

Instead...I'm supposed to put on the happy face and make sure that the kids are taken care of both physically and emotionally...while jerk off goes to his "meetings" so that he can get support and guidance. Then he has the f*cking audacity to come home and tell me that he's tired cause he didn't sleep well last night..... SLEEP???? What is that? After laying around in bed for an hour or two he gets to play super dad. He plays board games with the kids while I get dinner. Once I've gotten everything prepared, start to cook and he's done with the game he tells the kids that he should go help with dinner. FRY them potatoes...... Thanks for the help.

I swear sometimes I think it would have been easier if he would have just walked out the door and never came back.

When I told him that I've talked to an attorney and that I'm serious this time..At first he was acting like he had no clue why. "I'm clean....I haven't touched it in a year...." BULLSH!T" I know better than that. The sores, the staying awake for days on end, the MOOD SWINGS. Then the first thing he did was call mommy and daddy. HA HA HA dumbass...I talked to them first. They know whats going on. But it just killed me cause I don't have anyone to turn to. My parents aren't around to support me. I have no one to run to to rub my head. Sure the in-laws love me...but it's just not the same. I'm not their kid. I wish so badly that I could have my parents back... 17 yrs wasn't long enough.. Even 25yrs wasn't long enough... My family has mostly forgotten me. That is my fault. I've kept away for so many years because of jerk. I couldn't face the looks anymore. I didn't want the questions... I'm not a good liar.

Quit complaining...... At least there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I think I can see it...barely. I'm jealous of those who have wonderful partners. I'm jealous of those who have it so good and still bitch about their lives. Tell ya what sweetie...let's trade shoes for awhile... I want someone to take care of me.

Thanks for letting me shed a few... Not that I couldn't have or haven't for years.... I just needed to vent so that I can let it go and not drop it on the kids.....

"This too shall pass"................. but not fast enough.

The End..........

23

Broken promises and empty dreams.
Twenty-Three years ripped apart at the seams.

A young bright girl full of life
An intelligent boy asked for a wife.
Five years of trying and months of crying
A beautiful baby girl in the grips of dying.

At last we have a happy home
The two of us no longer alone.
Another blessing, a bundle of joy
This time we're given a baby boy.

Family of four so proudly we smile
Never imagined what was down the mile.
The babies grow and start to school
now everyone remember the golden rule.

The nights grow quite, everyone is asleep
finally a night without a peep.
Once again the stork drops a bundle of joy
A happy healthy baby boy.

Money grows tight, every word in fight
Never knowing where he is late in the night.
Trying and trying to figure it out
whispers slowly turning to an evil shout.

Another year of marriage, now it's eleven
another sweet girl sent down from heaven.
The screaming the yelling, the crying the pain
thinking to myself, what will we gain?

The effects of the demon are showing each day
Please dear GOD...Take him away.
I plead, I beg...I threaten and cry
You promised..you promised. Why oh why??

A few more years and a thousand tears
our marriage is crumbling after all these years.
I question a God who turns away
Never again....Never a day.

Twenty-Three years you've been in my life
Most of them I've spent being your wife.
The demons became you and you they
The happiness is slowly chipped away.

The dreams of forever no longer I hold
The future for us no longer gold.

Four smiling faces I look down and see
Four smiling faces looking up to me.
I must protect you, that I know in my heart
Even if Mom and Dad are torn apart.

I'm angry and hurt and beg you please
I plead and beg...I fall to my knees.
All that has fallen upon deaf ears.
You turn a blind eye to all the tears.

Enough is enough I tell you again.
My pleas carried off, gone with the wind.

The children grow smarter and older and wise
They no longer believe all the little white lies.
The questions they ask, I try to evade
they linger in my heart like a razor blade.

The one who is to love them, the one they call Dad
is the one who scares them and makes them sad.
I can no longer take it I have to make my stand
Get out of my life.... I've let go of your hand.

Twenty-Three years ripped apart at the seams
by broken promises and empty dreams