Yesterday was Maggie's first day of pre-school. She was SOOOO excited. All morning she kept asking if it was time to go to school yet. When we get to the school, even before I get her out of the car seat she say's "ok, see ya!" and is ready to get in the building. I tell her I'm going to walk her in. We get to the front doors of the school and she's running to push the button that opens the doors, she doesn't even look over her shoulder, she just yells OK, SEE YA! I'm laughing cause she is so eager to get into class. We get to her room, and the teacher asks Maggie to find her locker to put her backpack in. She does, and again she says OK Mom, see ya! I walk into her classroom and there are at least 6 kids crying and clinging to thier parents...NOT Maggie! I tell Maggie that maybe if she goes up to the little girl in the purple dress and asks her to be her friend that maybe she won't be so sad.. Maggie says "sure" and she starts to ask her if she want's to be friends, the little girl latches on to her mother's leg- I swear the kid is part cat, she was damn near crawling up the mother's leg-and lets out this ear piercing scream; Maggie looks at her and looks at me like "forget get this chick- she's crazy" and turns around and runs to the bookshelf. Finds a book and brings it back to the rug some of the other kids were sitting on and starts flipping pages... Didn't want a kiss or a hug..She looks up and says in a voice that sounds a little ticked off...OK MOM, you can go now! I just laugh and turn around. As I'm walking to the car my eyes are tearing up...My baby is not such a baby anymore! She's a little girl..
Today she got to walk home with her brothers! That was fun for her...Not so much for her 10yr old brother. He had to hold her hand the whole way. He's glad that his friends weren't walking the same way. Maggie tells me that she has papers for me, but none that I have to sign. I giggle, she already know how much I love filling out all the paperwork they send home the first week of school. But she hands me a certificate she got from the teacher. It's a apple with a worm coming out of it. It says Maggie has been a great friend. I ask her what happened today, why the teacher gave her this. She looks at me very puzzled. She looks like she's about to get tears in her eyes... I told her it was a good paper. I told her what it said. Her response then was Oh, this girl slapped me and called me stupid in the kitchen center. I asked what she did, she got defensive and NOTHING! Then I had to clarify that I wasn't asking what she did to make the girl mad, I wanted know what she did after the girl said that...She said "nothing, I just told the girl it wasn't nice to hit, and that we don't say that bad word" That's my girl!!!
Maggie is the youngest of 4- the next 2 oldest are both boys...She can throw punches with the best of them. I remember thinking when she was about 2 that I was going to be getting a call from the school on her first day of kindergarten.... "Mrs. G.... this is Dr Peterson. Could you please come to the principal's office, your kindergartener just beat up a fifth grader." So I was very relieved when Maggie said she didn't hit the little girl back. We've really been working on that the last year. There are times she will hit her brothers when she gets angry, but usually she's been egged on and pushed to her absolute limit. It's no excuse, but understandable. When you're so much younger and smaller than the others sometimes the only way you think you can get your point across is to beat it into them....LOL.
Well I'm off to heat up some smoked tenderloin...YUMMY! It's left over from a party that Pat put out on Sunday, but hey.... I'm not gonna complain. Beats the alfredo noodles that I made last night....
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
YEAH for PRESCHOOL!!!!!!!!
So I have 3 out of the 4 in school fulltime now....One more to go. Ruby (Maggie as she like to be called) is 4 and wants to go to school. We are in a district that tests for preschool. Only the kids who need it usually get in. We were told that there is a wait list, and chances were that she wouldn't get in. We went through this last year with Xavier. He was too smart for preschool. His little heart was broke when I had to tell him that he couldn't go to school. Then half way through the first quarter the school called and said that they were creating another class and there was an opening for him. Well I decided not to get Maggie's hopes up about school and kept telling her that she wasn't old enough to go to school yet, that when she was 5 she would get to go to kindergarten. Wouldn't you know it, I just got the call from Xavier's pre-K teacher and she said that she indeed would love to have Maggie in her class and I could choose morning or afternoon. She knows I work nights and just wanted to help out with whatever would work out best.!!!! YEAH!!!!!! She will start on Monday. Which works out well for her, she woke up last night with a Croup Cough and was miserable all night. She seems to be much better, but still has the sniffles and lack of energy. I was up with the bathroomed steamed for hours last night. But today she seems much better. We have to pick up Molly to take her to counseling in a couple of hours and then it's back to laundry! I HATE LAUNDRY!!! With 4 kids, it's a never ending chore.
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Last night Pat and I started a discussion on what our beliefs in "God" are. I'm still very angry with the Catholic Church and I think at first I gave Pat the impression that I do not believe in "God" at all. I do believe in something higher, more knowing than ourselves. I don't know that I believe in a being. I'm more of the belief that there is something out there that controls the things beyond our control such as nature, weather etc.... I told him that I do pray, but it's not to a God, but rather to the people who have passed before me. I told him when I was in the hospital waiting to deliver Molly(who's almost 11), I prayed every day.... But I prayed (talked) to my Father, Grandparents and sister-in-law that they help Molly. Molly was born almost 4 months premature. She weighed just over 1 lb. My water broke at 22 wks and the Dr's told me that there was only a 30% chance that she would survive if she was born then. I was in the hospital 4 wks on complete bed rest. Ultrasound every morning to check the amniotic fluid level.... The day I went into labor and the Dr's told me that her survival rate was 50 / 50. I knew deep in my heart that she would make it. She was born at 5:40 am, and she actually had apgars of 8 & 9. She was breathing on her own. She came out crying. I knew she would be fine.... She's a miracle. The Dr's couldn't believe this little baby was breathing on her own....unheard of! The neo-nate doc still knows who she is. We ran into him one day at the hospital while my neice's baby was in the NICU, he recognized me and then looked at her and said "Well you must be Molly McButter (her nickname in the NICU) I remember the day you gave us such a scare." Molly had come down with pneumonia about 3 wks after she was born, and Dr Needleman had to tell me to call my family up to the hospital because he didn't think that Molly would survive the day. He had tears in his eyes and his voice was cracking as he told me. I was devistated. How could this be happening? But Molly's a fighter, and she fought a good fight and came out on the winning side. She had to go on a special type of breathing machine called an oscilator and they had to paralyze her with drugs so that she could just rest, and a few days later she was on the rebound. Dr Needleman told Molly that she was his most favorite baby he has cared for and that he expected great things from her. He knows that she was born for something spectacular. I was in tears...
Anyway, the discussion we were having lead to me saying that I don't know how to just turn everything over...How does one do that. Who am I supposed to turn it over to? I guess I have to figure out what truly my beliefs are. I just don't know that I can believe there is one person "God" who is in control of everything and everybody. So if I don't believe that who do I turn it over to? I believe that there are spitits who watch over us, that my loved ones who have passed on are keeping us safe... But other than that I don't know.... Any suggestions out there??? How do I just give everything over to a Higher Power?? Oh well...enough rambling. I need to get ready to pick up Molly.
___________________________________________________________________
Last night Pat and I started a discussion on what our beliefs in "God" are. I'm still very angry with the Catholic Church and I think at first I gave Pat the impression that I do not believe in "God" at all. I do believe in something higher, more knowing than ourselves. I don't know that I believe in a being. I'm more of the belief that there is something out there that controls the things beyond our control such as nature, weather etc.... I told him that I do pray, but it's not to a God, but rather to the people who have passed before me. I told him when I was in the hospital waiting to deliver Molly(who's almost 11), I prayed every day.... But I prayed (talked) to my Father, Grandparents and sister-in-law that they help Molly. Molly was born almost 4 months premature. She weighed just over 1 lb. My water broke at 22 wks and the Dr's told me that there was only a 30% chance that she would survive if she was born then. I was in the hospital 4 wks on complete bed rest. Ultrasound every morning to check the amniotic fluid level.... The day I went into labor and the Dr's told me that her survival rate was 50 / 50. I knew deep in my heart that she would make it. She was born at 5:40 am, and she actually had apgars of 8 & 9. She was breathing on her own. She came out crying. I knew she would be fine.... She's a miracle. The Dr's couldn't believe this little baby was breathing on her own....unheard of! The neo-nate doc still knows who she is. We ran into him one day at the hospital while my neice's baby was in the NICU, he recognized me and then looked at her and said "Well you must be Molly McButter (her nickname in the NICU) I remember the day you gave us such a scare." Molly had come down with pneumonia about 3 wks after she was born, and Dr Needleman had to tell me to call my family up to the hospital because he didn't think that Molly would survive the day. He had tears in his eyes and his voice was cracking as he told me. I was devistated. How could this be happening? But Molly's a fighter, and she fought a good fight and came out on the winning side. She had to go on a special type of breathing machine called an oscilator and they had to paralyze her with drugs so that she could just rest, and a few days later she was on the rebound. Dr Needleman told Molly that she was his most favorite baby he has cared for and that he expected great things from her. He knows that she was born for something spectacular. I was in tears...
Anyway, the discussion we were having lead to me saying that I don't know how to just turn everything over...How does one do that. Who am I supposed to turn it over to? I guess I have to figure out what truly my beliefs are. I just don't know that I can believe there is one person "God" who is in control of everything and everybody. So if I don't believe that who do I turn it over to? I believe that there are spitits who watch over us, that my loved ones who have passed on are keeping us safe... But other than that I don't know.... Any suggestions out there??? How do I just give everything over to a Higher Power?? Oh well...enough rambling. I need to get ready to pick up Molly.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
30 DAYS
I'm so confused these days. Things seemed to be much easier when I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew what I wanted 30 days ago. I was done. I had had enough and talked to the attorney and wanted a divorce. I couldn't handle his addiction anymore. I couldn't handle the sadness in my kids' face. I needed it to be over. How do things change so drastically in just 30 days??
He's gone into treatment on his own- no one forcing him. He goes to 4 meetings a week outside of his treatment schedule. He's gotten a job, a DAMN good job making more than I. He's changed his behaviors. He's built a stronger better relationship with the children. He's thinking clearly and making outstanding choices. He's made such great strides that I'm so scared to let go. I've spent 23 yrs with this man. I've been by his side and he by mine since I was 13. I'm scared. I can't imagine my life without him, yet I don't know if I could ever trust him and love him like THAT again. I want to, but I've been hurt so deeply.
We were talking last night about how things have changed. He keeps telling me to just let go...let go to a higher power and things will fall into place. I don't know how, and I'm so scared that things will revert back to the same old thing. He talked about once he really decided that he needed to make this change and he really applied himself to it, how things just happened.
He was told that it would be 30-60 days before he could even get an assessment for treatment. He kept searching for a place that would help, and in less than a week he got a call to come in. He took the assessment and was told that there was a waiting list to get into treatment. It would be at least another 30 days possibly45 before he would be able to get into a program. A week later Immanuel called and told him he could come in and get evaluated by their program.
He made a call to some one he has known for years both professionally and personally. He explained what was going on in his life. Luis came by the house a few days later. Pat told him exactly what was going on with his life, with us. He asked Luis for his help. Later that day, Luis calls back and said that there was a job interview at Rick's Boatyard Cafe the next morning.
Pat went and spoke with the Manager, the guy wanted Pat to start the next day. Pat told him that he would have to get back to him on Monday. We talked about what the guy wanted to offer him, I was very disappointed. Pat is such a talented chef that it was almost a slap in the face, but Pat wasn't offended. He just said that after all these years of not working he'd have to start in the middle and prove himself again. Monday came, Pat called and the Manager wasn't there, so he left a message. The next day Pat called again, still no Manager. Pat didn't get discouraged. I sure did. I was so sure that it was just another bullshit lie that had been the usualy routine with Pat.
Pat took the kids to the park to play and to give me some alone time. Shortly after he left the phone rang, it was Luis. He said that he had gotten Pat a job at Happy Hollow Country Club and he needed to be there at 10am the next morning. I was so shocked. This is one of the biggest and best country clubs here. All I could say to Luis was thank you as my voice cracked and tears rolled down my cheeks. He said that he's known Pat a long time and he truly believes that he's made a change and will continue to do so. When they came back from the park I gave Pat the news. He was so shocked. Luis had told him that a job at the club wasn't in the works for at least 6months more like a year.
Pat went to the club the next morning, ready to work. He's was so happy to just get his foot in the door. He knew that he'd have to prove himself and he assured me that was what he intended to do. I got a phone call later that afternoon. Not only did he get his foot in the door, he was now the Banquet Chef. WOW!!! And not only did he land an awesome job, but the salary was $15,000 more than what was quoted by Luis.
Today is his 5th day there and I haven't seen him so happy and excited in years. The GM knows about his addiction/recovery and fully supports him. They know that he has to leave for meetings when possible and that he has a treatment schedule. The GM was impressed that Pat was doing this on his own, that his recovery wasn't law induced. GM said that he has a son who also has an addiction problem and knows how hard it is to get help. He told Pat that only 1% of people in recovery are there because it was their choice. He told Pat that he will help him however he could. He also told Pat that he appreciated Pat being completely honest with him. That is why the salary was so high. Well not to mention that Pat does fantastic work.
So he finds treatment, a job and goes to meetings. He's working very hard and keeps moving forward. He wants a sponsor. He's been going to meetings and made a comment in a NA meeting about how things have been going and that he's ready to move forward and wants a sponsor. The "chair" of the meetings asks to talk to him after the meeting. Pat stays behind after the meeting and they talk.
The "chair" offers to sponsor Pat. Pat told him he'd give him a call after he got off work that night. Pat came home and tried calling..voice mail. Pat left a message saying that he would like "Roger" to be his sponsor. Yesterday morning he left for work and had to stop at the store to pick up cigarettes on the way. We had a conversation before he left. I wasn't having such a good morning. I'm trying to make things work with us but I'm tired, scared and don't know if I can get back to us. He's telling me how much he loves me, how lucky he is to have such a wonder wife; and I'm in tears cause I'm SOOOOO scared to let myself feel again. I love him, but I can't say the words to him. I can't let him touch me, I hurt when he's near. Anyway.... while he's at the store he remembered something he wanted to tell me, so he stopped at the payphone outside the store to call home. We talked for just few minutes. He hung up the phone and turned to go and there was "Roger". Another Higher Power moment. If Pat wouldn't have stopped to call me, he would have already been out of the parking lot before "Roger" showed up.
He told Pat that he had gotten his message the night before, but had been at a neice's B-day party and didn't want to call so late when he got home, but as it turns out "Roger" lives up the block from us.... Coincidence?? or Higher Power??
I don't know what I believe anymore... I was raised Catholic and I can't even tell you how disguisted I am with the Catholic Church. I haven't been to church in years. I can't even tell you what I believe anymore. I know that there is something more than "us" but what or who that is...I'm not sure. All I know is that something is holding us in their hand and guiding us along, but when and where and how that is revealed I haven't the first clue....
I guess I just have to keep at things one day at time. I'm still angry that I've had to go through all of this. Angry that he did this to us, angry that I let him do this us. I'm just so confused and torn. WHEN WILL I KNOW? HOW WILL I KNOW?? HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!
He's gone into treatment on his own- no one forcing him. He goes to 4 meetings a week outside of his treatment schedule. He's gotten a job, a DAMN good job making more than I. He's changed his behaviors. He's built a stronger better relationship with the children. He's thinking clearly and making outstanding choices. He's made such great strides that I'm so scared to let go. I've spent 23 yrs with this man. I've been by his side and he by mine since I was 13. I'm scared. I can't imagine my life without him, yet I don't know if I could ever trust him and love him like THAT again. I want to, but I've been hurt so deeply.
We were talking last night about how things have changed. He keeps telling me to just let go...let go to a higher power and things will fall into place. I don't know how, and I'm so scared that things will revert back to the same old thing. He talked about once he really decided that he needed to make this change and he really applied himself to it, how things just happened.
He was told that it would be 30-60 days before he could even get an assessment for treatment. He kept searching for a place that would help, and in less than a week he got a call to come in. He took the assessment and was told that there was a waiting list to get into treatment. It would be at least another 30 days possibly45 before he would be able to get into a program. A week later Immanuel called and told him he could come in and get evaluated by their program.
He made a call to some one he has known for years both professionally and personally. He explained what was going on in his life. Luis came by the house a few days later. Pat told him exactly what was going on with his life, with us. He asked Luis for his help. Later that day, Luis calls back and said that there was a job interview at Rick's Boatyard Cafe the next morning.
Pat went and spoke with the Manager, the guy wanted Pat to start the next day. Pat told him that he would have to get back to him on Monday. We talked about what the guy wanted to offer him, I was very disappointed. Pat is such a talented chef that it was almost a slap in the face, but Pat wasn't offended. He just said that after all these years of not working he'd have to start in the middle and prove himself again. Monday came, Pat called and the Manager wasn't there, so he left a message. The next day Pat called again, still no Manager. Pat didn't get discouraged. I sure did. I was so sure that it was just another bullshit lie that had been the usualy routine with Pat.
Pat took the kids to the park to play and to give me some alone time. Shortly after he left the phone rang, it was Luis. He said that he had gotten Pat a job at Happy Hollow Country Club and he needed to be there at 10am the next morning. I was so shocked. This is one of the biggest and best country clubs here. All I could say to Luis was thank you as my voice cracked and tears rolled down my cheeks. He said that he's known Pat a long time and he truly believes that he's made a change and will continue to do so. When they came back from the park I gave Pat the news. He was so shocked. Luis had told him that a job at the club wasn't in the works for at least 6months more like a year.
Pat went to the club the next morning, ready to work. He's was so happy to just get his foot in the door. He knew that he'd have to prove himself and he assured me that was what he intended to do. I got a phone call later that afternoon. Not only did he get his foot in the door, he was now the Banquet Chef. WOW!!! And not only did he land an awesome job, but the salary was $15,000 more than what was quoted by Luis.
Today is his 5th day there and I haven't seen him so happy and excited in years. The GM knows about his addiction/recovery and fully supports him. They know that he has to leave for meetings when possible and that he has a treatment schedule. The GM was impressed that Pat was doing this on his own, that his recovery wasn't law induced. GM said that he has a son who also has an addiction problem and knows how hard it is to get help. He told Pat that only 1% of people in recovery are there because it was their choice. He told Pat that he will help him however he could. He also told Pat that he appreciated Pat being completely honest with him. That is why the salary was so high. Well not to mention that Pat does fantastic work.
So he finds treatment, a job and goes to meetings. He's working very hard and keeps moving forward. He wants a sponsor. He's been going to meetings and made a comment in a NA meeting about how things have been going and that he's ready to move forward and wants a sponsor. The "chair" of the meetings asks to talk to him after the meeting. Pat stays behind after the meeting and they talk.
The "chair" offers to sponsor Pat. Pat told him he'd give him a call after he got off work that night. Pat came home and tried calling..voice mail. Pat left a message saying that he would like "Roger" to be his sponsor. Yesterday morning he left for work and had to stop at the store to pick up cigarettes on the way. We had a conversation before he left. I wasn't having such a good morning. I'm trying to make things work with us but I'm tired, scared and don't know if I can get back to us. He's telling me how much he loves me, how lucky he is to have such a wonder wife; and I'm in tears cause I'm SOOOOO scared to let myself feel again. I love him, but I can't say the words to him. I can't let him touch me, I hurt when he's near. Anyway.... while he's at the store he remembered something he wanted to tell me, so he stopped at the payphone outside the store to call home. We talked for just few minutes. He hung up the phone and turned to go and there was "Roger". Another Higher Power moment. If Pat wouldn't have stopped to call me, he would have already been out of the parking lot before "Roger" showed up.
He told Pat that he had gotten his message the night before, but had been at a neice's B-day party and didn't want to call so late when he got home, but as it turns out "Roger" lives up the block from us.... Coincidence?? or Higher Power??
I don't know what I believe anymore... I was raised Catholic and I can't even tell you how disguisted I am with the Catholic Church. I haven't been to church in years. I can't even tell you what I believe anymore. I know that there is something more than "us" but what or who that is...I'm not sure. All I know is that something is holding us in their hand and guiding us along, but when and where and how that is revealed I haven't the first clue....
I guess I just have to keep at things one day at time. I'm still angry that I've had to go through all of this. Angry that he did this to us, angry that I let him do this us. I'm just so confused and torn. WHEN WILL I KNOW? HOW WILL I KNOW?? HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!
New Beginings???
I just received an email from someone whose blog I read religiously. At first it was just something I stumbled across, but the more I continued to read, the more envolved I became. I really "felt" for her. I could feel the pain, heartache and joys she conveyed. It was like I considered her a friend. I truly cared what was going on with her. The strange thing is that we never really exchanged words or email..... I worried about her when things were bad and I was happy for her when things started looking up. Then one day without warning she was gone. I was surprised by my reaction of feeling abandoned. I sent her an email asking if she was ok, but got no response. Then a few weeks later I sent her a new one, again no response. Things in my life had taken a huge turn and I just needed her. I needed to read her courage and strength. I needed to know that she was okay and that she was still doing well.... Well last night I checked my email and there it was. A response from her. You would have thought that I had just won the lottery. It's strange that one can become "attached" to someone whom they have never met in person, never had a personal conversation with. But I spent the next hour or so "catching up" and it's amazing how much better I feel. THANKS REGINA!!! You will never know how much you've brightened my life. I consider you a friend...even if that is not recipocated. I just needed to know that you were ok and that things are still on the right track for you!!!! GOD BLESS and KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK! I AM PROUD OF YOU! CONGRATULATIONS ON 6 MONTHS....
Thursday, August 10, 2006
There is more than one of me...
Looking into eyes full of pain
I see how broken you are
Gaping wounds you hide so well
Smiling and laughing no one understands
I see the tears you blink away
I noticed what nobody else did
Holding yourself together
Just barely hanging by a string
Deep breath now
Smile back in place
Nobody notices the pain
Turning from the mirror
I face the world
This was written by a friend of mine Lisa L. and when I read it I was blown away. For just a few days before she wrote this, I had written something very similar. I told Lisa that I felt like she was looking right through my wall, and could see what was really going on inside, and that is very scary to me. To think that someone really knows what goes on in my head and can relate to it, makes me want to cry. I feel sad that there is this much hurt in the world. I wish that I could make it all end for everyone. Alas, I can not! I can't even make my own go away.
I see how broken you are
Gaping wounds you hide so well
Smiling and laughing no one understands
I see the tears you blink away
I noticed what nobody else did
Holding yourself together
Just barely hanging by a string
Deep breath now
Smile back in place
Nobody notices the pain
Turning from the mirror
I face the world
This was written by a friend of mine Lisa L. and when I read it I was blown away. For just a few days before she wrote this, I had written something very similar. I told Lisa that I felt like she was looking right through my wall, and could see what was really going on inside, and that is very scary to me. To think that someone really knows what goes on in my head and can relate to it, makes me want to cry. I feel sad that there is this much hurt in the world. I wish that I could make it all end for everyone. Alas, I can not! I can't even make my own go away.
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