RAMBLING

Why is this so hard? I'm so fucking angry at him. I don't hate him, I don't trust him, I can't stand to look at him because of all the pain he has caused for all of us, I want him to leave, but I can't imagine everyday without him. I still love him, but I don't think I will ever be in love with him again.

He's so pitiful looking I want to just smack him. THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!! It kills me to watch him with the kids. He's trying to be the father he has never been. Like 6 days can replace their lifetime. He's going for an assesment, he says, later this morning. Why couldn't you have done that 10 years ago?

Last night I'm in my bedroom trying to get ready for a meeting at work, and he comes down the hallway crying. "What's wrong now?" I ask, I'm sure he can hear the detest in my voice. I want him to hurt, I want him to feel the pain like I have. He says "I asked Nathan why he's been so good lately." He's standing there with these flipping tears that make me want to go punch him right in the face. "Well, what did he say?" I force myself to ask. "He said " because you are." I didn't think it was that noticable. I didn't think that my f*cked upness had that much effect on them." I looked at him like he was a moron. I thought right at that very moment I was gonna loose it. I couldn't say anything, cause my head was spinning. I wanted to jump of the edge of the bed and just bang his head against the wall. I wanted to start screaming " I've been telling you all this time that everything you do and say has a direct impact on them. You have f*cked everything up" but I didn't I just looked at him. I couldn't say anything, I couldn't move. I just sat there looking at him with a blank expression.
He stops his tears and says that he is going to get smokes. I go about getting ready to leave.

There are times for a split second that I think maybe I should wait and see if he does go through treatment. What if he's telling the truth this time? Then I get pissed off at myself for having doubts about what I'm doing. I know in my heart that this is what I should do.

I guess I'm just scared at what the future holds for me and the kids. I had to step down from my supervisor position. I received our new schedule on Monday. We are now working four 11hr days a week. Looking at the schedule I work 3 days in a row every other week, but I never have 3 days in a row off. The schedule that I've been working the last 6 years has been 12 hr shifts... 3 days one week, 4 days the next. 2 on 2 off 3 on 2 off 2 on 3 off 2 on. I work nights, so the first day off is half wasted sleeping. With this new schedule the I would have to work 3 on 2 off 2 on 1 off 2 on 2 off 3 on 2 off etc... This would never leave time for my kids. I asked on of the other sups if he would consider trading shifts so that I could work the 9 am to 8 pm shift. He considered it but he's having some health issues due to not sleeping well and can't go back to nights. He apologized for not trading, and I told him no apologies needed. I understand. I just wanted to exhaust all my options before stepping down. I don't really want to do that, but I have to for my kids.... So at least I'll be on the same rotation and schedule that I've been on forever. I hope that the sup postition in the TC side opens soon. I know that will be a day or mostly day shift. The manager in that dept. is so cool, I just love her. She assured me that it should be approved in about the next 6-8 months and that I'm her first choice. I hope everything works out. I can't help but be angry at jerk for this too. I would never have had to step down if he would have just opened his eyes and taken care of his problem years ago. I mean for christ sake, I'm the only one who's been working for the last 7 years. He worked here and there, but nothing reliable. I was never suprised when he came home and said that he lost his job. When the 2 oldest where just 2 or 3 he had a great job making good money. I had just started my career in the field making piss money and he was fired. We went from about 45k at his job to the lowly 6.50 hr I was making. From there it went down hill. He'd get a job and hold it for a couple of months and then he would get "let go". I have been the primary bread winner since. He hasn't had any employment for the last 3 yrs and never seemed to want to go back to work. He didn't do anything around the house either. I was standing in the backyard ( if that's what you could call in) tonight waiting for the dog to do her business and I burst into tears... It looks like I live in the Sanford & Son house. He's always got all these great ideas.... but they never go anywhere. I have more crap piled up in the back, and the yard has been torn up because he and Joe were going to put in a tie wall to level the top half of the yard. Yep you guessed it. the ties are laying around in the yard and a big trench is dug, the dried out rolls of lawn sitting all over.... I'm so ashamed of it all. This is just the back yard. Oh yeah forgot to mention the fucking horseshoe pitts....The busted out screen door on the basement. The kitchen light that is hanging out of the ceiling because he was going to put in florescent lighting. He took the fixture out about.......8 years ago, and just hasn't gotten around to completing the job. I have all sorts of little projects that he's started but never finishes.....

okay enough bitching.... I just have to remember that it can always be worse. At least I still have a roof over my and the children's head. THANK YOU!!!!