30 DAYS

I'm so confused these days. Things seemed to be much easier when I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew what I wanted 30 days ago. I was done. I had had enough and talked to the attorney and wanted a divorce. I couldn't handle his addiction anymore. I couldn't handle the sadness in my kids' face. I needed it to be over. How do things change so drastically in just 30 days??
He's gone into treatment on his own- no one forcing him. He goes to 4 meetings a week outside of his treatment schedule. He's gotten a job, a DAMN good job making more than I. He's changed his behaviors. He's built a stronger better relationship with the children. He's thinking clearly and making outstanding choices. He's made such great strides that I'm so scared to let go. I've spent 23 yrs with this man. I've been by his side and he by mine since I was 13. I'm scared. I can't imagine my life without him, yet I don't know if I could ever trust him and love him like THAT again. I want to, but I've been hurt so deeply.

We were talking last night about how things have changed. He keeps telling me to just let go...let go to a higher power and things will fall into place. I don't know how, and I'm so scared that things will revert back to the same old thing. He talked about once he really decided that he needed to make this change and he really applied himself to it, how things just happened.

He was told that it would be 30-60 days before he could even get an assessment for treatment. He kept searching for a place that would help, and in less than a week he got a call to come in. He took the assessment and was told that there was a waiting list to get into treatment. It would be at least another 30 days possibly45 before he would be able to get into a program. A week later Immanuel called and told him he could come in and get evaluated by their program.

He made a call to some one he has known for years both professionally and personally. He explained what was going on in his life. Luis came by the house a few days later. Pat told him exactly what was going on with his life, with us. He asked Luis for his help. Later that day, Luis calls back and said that there was a job interview at Rick's Boatyard Cafe the next morning.

Pat went and spoke with the Manager, the guy wanted Pat to start the next day. Pat told him that he would have to get back to him on Monday. We talked about what the guy wanted to offer him, I was very disappointed. Pat is such a talented chef that it was almost a slap in the face, but Pat wasn't offended. He just said that after all these years of not working he'd have to start in the middle and prove himself again. Monday came, Pat called and the Manager wasn't there, so he left a message. The next day Pat called again, still no Manager. Pat didn't get discouraged. I sure did. I was so sure that it was just another bullshit lie that had been the usualy routine with Pat.

Pat took the kids to the park to play and to give me some alone time. Shortly after he left the phone rang, it was Luis. He said that he had gotten Pat a job at Happy Hollow Country Club and he needed to be there at 10am the next morning. I was so shocked. This is one of the biggest and best country clubs here. All I could say to Luis was thank you as my voice cracked and tears rolled down my cheeks. He said that he's known Pat a long time and he truly believes that he's made a change and will continue to do so. When they came back from the park I gave Pat the news. He was so shocked. Luis had told him that a job at the club wasn't in the works for at least 6months more like a year.

Pat went to the club the next morning, ready to work. He's was so happy to just get his foot in the door. He knew that he'd have to prove himself and he assured me that was what he intended to do. I got a phone call later that afternoon. Not only did he get his foot in the door, he was now the Banquet Chef. WOW!!! And not only did he land an awesome job, but the salary was $15,000 more than what was quoted by Luis.

Today is his 5th day there and I haven't seen him so happy and excited in years. The GM knows about his addiction/recovery and fully supports him. They know that he has to leave for meetings when possible and that he has a treatment schedule. The GM was impressed that Pat was doing this on his own, that his recovery wasn't law induced. GM said that he has a son who also has an addiction problem and knows how hard it is to get help. He told Pat that only 1% of people in recovery are there because it was their choice. He told Pat that he will help him however he could. He also told Pat that he appreciated Pat being completely honest with him. That is why the salary was so high. Well not to mention that Pat does fantastic work.

So he finds treatment, a job and goes to meetings. He's working very hard and keeps moving forward. He wants a sponsor. He's been going to meetings and made a comment in a NA meeting about how things have been going and that he's ready to move forward and wants a sponsor. The "chair" of the meetings asks to talk to him after the meeting. Pat stays behind after the meeting and they talk.

The "chair" offers to sponsor Pat. Pat told him he'd give him a call after he got off work that night. Pat came home and tried calling..voice mail. Pat left a message saying that he would like "Roger" to be his sponsor. Yesterday morning he left for work and had to stop at the store to pick up cigarettes on the way. We had a conversation before he left. I wasn't having such a good morning. I'm trying to make things work with us but I'm tired, scared and don't know if I can get back to us. He's telling me how much he loves me, how lucky he is to have such a wonder wife; and I'm in tears cause I'm SOOOOO scared to let myself feel again. I love him, but I can't say the words to him. I can't let him touch me, I hurt when he's near. Anyway.... while he's at the store he remembered something he wanted to tell me, so he stopped at the payphone outside the store to call home. We talked for just few minutes. He hung up the phone and turned to go and there was "Roger". Another Higher Power moment. If Pat wouldn't have stopped to call me, he would have already been out of the parking lot before "Roger" showed up.
He told Pat that he had gotten his message the night before, but had been at a neice's B-day party and didn't want to call so late when he got home, but as it turns out "Roger" lives up the block from us.... Coincidence?? or Higher Power??

I don't know what I believe anymore... I was raised Catholic and I can't even tell you how disguisted I am with the Catholic Church. I haven't been to church in years. I can't even tell you what I believe anymore. I know that there is something more than "us" but what or who that is...I'm not sure. All I know is that something is holding us in their hand and guiding us along, but when and where and how that is revealed I haven't the first clue....

I guess I just have to keep at things one day at time. I'm still angry that I've had to go through all of this. Angry that he did this to us, angry that I let him do this us. I'm just so confused and torn. WHEN WILL I KNOW? HOW WILL I KNOW?? HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!